Thursday, January 26, 2017


I think it comes to no actual responsible adults surprise that life is actually really really tough. I don't know about you, but if I could go back to the days of my adolescence I totally would. I say that, but if I'm being honest, I probably couldn't deal with half of what our kids go through or make it through middle school if it were in this generation. 

Over the last 2.5 years I have been through trials that made me question my faith, that almost made me give up on hope. I constantly asked why God, why? 

I am not a perfect Christian, I never have been. I've done one too many awful things too count on all my fingers and toes. I cuss way too much, studies show that makes me smarter and sometimes funnier, I'm working on being a little dumber and little less funny. I drink and smoke on occasion. I am truly not deserving of Gods grace that he gives so mercilessly. 

I have been broken, abandoned, struck down, but through all of this... 

I have not been destroyed. 

Did you hear me? I said, I have not been destroyed! He is with me, even when I feel so alone in my feelings, emotions, and thoughts. He is with you, too. 

I'm going to give you exactly the word that comes to mind when I think and realize what God has done for me through the trials I have faced, fought, and conquered. 


Today I was reminded of the mercy and grace the Lord cast down upon me....everyday. 

It hit me so hard, smack dab in the middle of my face, I cried. I cried like a newborn baby with colic. 

Through everything I may face, he is there. He never once left me, even though sometimes I blamed him.

Through everything in my life, no matter how good or bad, I always found myself searching for him. I am constantly being redirected to him, his grace and love... he reminds me in those moments, he is present. 

I have always found my hope in him. He continues to show me why daily. I can't begin to describe it, I can't begin to understand it. But I can explain that his love for me, it took place 2000+ years ago. 

I am so glad at the pit of it all, I am redirected to the reason, to the cross and to the one who knows all. 

Hill of Crosses is a site of pilgrimage about 12 km north of the city of Šiauliai, in northern Lithuania.:


Sunday, January 1, 2017

"Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind."- 2.0

Ya'll, if last year never came to mind again that would just be the bees knees.
Let's all be honest and say that most of us would like to hold up a big giant middle finger to year twentysixteen.

For me, the last year was pretty awful, but also in the same sense, pretty great.
I beat cancer, twice. I beat it again I should say, circa 2015.
I am still alive today.

But its the stuff that came in between, before, and after those events that were pretty awful for me.

I felt like I was losing myself, my mind, and control of my life in general.
And I was.
I just didn't know how to get a hold of it. It seemed the tighter I held on, the more it fell apart, the more I fell apart.

Yes,  I know...
I know he has to laugh at me- a lot- when I try to take control myself.....

At this point in my life, I have to laugh just to avoid crying.

Things got really bad about 2 months after my surgery in May.
I hit a depressed state and my anxiety was getting the best of me.
I thought I had control over it.

It seemed no matter how many times I got up, I'd get knocked right back down again.

Then when I decided I didn't want to live anymore, I got help.
Even with help, I'm still figuring out my "problems".

What is codependency?

Codependency is definitely not being dependent on others.
I was wrong too when answering that question.

Apparently, its being everything for everyone else and ignoring yourself.
Its fixing everyone around you when you are the one that needs the "fixing".
It's also a lot of other things too, but I suggest you read up on it.

  I don't know where it came from, but I have an idea.

I believe it all started a really long time ago {round about- 4 years ago} when I lost control of my life.
Which explains my anxiety when things aren't going
"my way".

It didn't kick into overdrive until I found out about the latest cancer diagnosis.

That's when I felt like I had to feel in control.
Whether that be of myself, events taking place around me, or other people.

I used to joke and say, "I have a hard enough time controlling myself, I don't have the time or energy to control you or anyone else.".

That used to be a true statement.

I don't really like being this person, I don't even know where she came from.
But I am hell bent on making her go away.
I am hell bent on understanding her and helping her
Its the furthest thing from lucid and surpasses confusing.
When I say I'm just ready to be normal again, do not take that statement lightly.

I was also diagnosed with Clinical Depression.
It is real, it also REALLY sucks.
Especially when you have no reason to be sad or unhappy with life.
When you have too many blessings to count on all your fingers and toes and you still can't explain why you feel like you're just not happy or why you don't want to live anymore.

I have 7 reasons to live.
If the kids were reading my mind while I was typing this they'd correct me and say I have 9 reasons, including the cat and dog..

But I accidentally locked the cat out Friday night and he hasn't returned home...
So, were back to 8.
Diva is going to flip when I pick her up tomorrow.

Mommy lost the cat, Diva's feline best frand.
Mommy fail.

Mommy also cried her eyes out yesterday because even though she has her own love/hate relationship with the cat and its litterbox, she kinda loves how it brings her family happiness.

It seems as though in the process of needing help, I pushed the people willing to help me away. I haven't been a good friend this last year. I found myself pushing everyone away.
These things I have been dealing with have definitely taken a toll on all of my relationships, including my marriage.
Its not been an easy road, but it sure was easy to find it.
 I'm sure I will have to continue to fight like hell just to get off of it and find a better road to travel on.

Resolutions for 2017?
Is not going to be about everyone else like it always has been for me.
Its going to be about finding MY way.

The next 365 days for me is going to be about healing.
Finding more hope than normal.

Ultimately, practicing that God has me no matter what circumstance takes place.

It's hard to keep your faith, but it's worth it.
I know that, no matter how hard it seems to do sometimes.
I have lived 29 years with him by my side, he never once left me.

It's also important to me that I share this with all of you.
Mental health is a very serious thing. It can be dangerous and scary.
 I also know I am no the only one that struggles with just these things-codependency, depression, anxiety and more..

It should be made more aware, it should be talked about.
Awareness should not come along with feelings of embarrassment or shame.

There is so many people, like myself, who are terrified of the "alone" feeling and feel just that.
But you aren't. Sometimes its relieving just to know you aren't alone and someone out there understands you, gets what you are going through, and is there with you, not just for you, but for them too.

Always know that there is hope. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark the tunnel may seem and you will eventually make to the other end...

Don't give up this year, keep going.
Bright and merry 2017 wishes,
Chrystal Louise

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Today is a new day.

I wrote a post Sunday talking about the depth of what I've been dealing with these last 8 months. I decided after yesterday that post was not intended for the public. So here is my public rebuttal to myself.

Yesterday somewhere in between surgery, being told I was cancer free, one nap, and a happy pill later, I found inspiration for this post. Please bare with me.. I'm not sure where this is going to end up.

For the last 8 months I have dealt with major depression and anxiety that started after my surgery in May. Out of no where, shit hit the mental fan. I couldn't smile, I could hardly get out of bed. I only saw the glass as half empty and not as half full. Reality that I couldn't bear anymore children sank in. I tried to put it away, but with each day it seemed to eat at me more and more...

I am a Mom, its the only thing I seem to be good at these days, why did it have to be taken away?

I stopped being able to handle stress. I was shutting down completely. I was told that depression and anxiety weren't really a thing. That I could be happy, I just had to decide in my mind that I was going to be happy. I don't really believe that's the case for anyone that has ever dealt with these types of crippling illnesses. Believe me, if we could just make the sadness or anxiety go away... we would do so in a heart beat.

My Mom got sick shortly after my surgery, I was gaining incredible amounts of weight for no reason, my eating habits hadn't changed and the pounds just kept piling on. Between the stress of worrying about what was to come for Mom, dealing with my already sadness, then being disappointed and regaining my self image insecurities, I was tunneling down a black hole like never in my life. And if we add in some family issues, I was just barely treading water and getting very tired.

Mom had surgery, everything was fine for a moment because my best friend was going to be ok... Then in the middle of our sense of peace came a war I now had to face and battle of my own ensued. My dermatologist called while Mom was in recovery and the biopsy I had a week before was not a cyst, it was Squamous Cell Skin Carcinoma. My world fell apart in those 2 minutes. A week later it completely crumbled to pieces, when a woman I considered to be more of a motherly figure rather than just my aunt, passed. For years I watched her fight back and this time, she just didn't have the strength anymore to do so. The world was already a dark place and she held some of the light that was left and now even that was gone.

Soon after that, I lost my will power to stay a float. Its like I could feel myself starting to sink. Every time I managed to pick myself up and dust myself off again, something else takes a blow and knocks the breath right out of me... again. I am depended on by a lot of people, people who need me to stay strong regardless of what I am facing.

I was trying to be strong, I was trying to convince myself and everyone around me that I was fine, that everything is fine... but at the end of a busy day, I would still lay down with a busy mind. My mind never stops, it just never stops. The thoughts I am sometimes too busy to think of that day come creeping in and I deal with it silently, the best that I possibly can without breaking down and seeming weak in front of all these people who count on me to be the strong.

I had so many questions. Mainly, "Why God? What have I done?". The next 2 months were pretty awful. I was barely managing to keep my head above water. Everything around me was deteriorating. My faith, my will, and mainly my personal relationships.

I don't believe God put me through this, I believe he used it to make my faith stronger. I believe on day one of my life God instilled into me faith, hope, and knowledge of his grace and love for me.With that comes a will to fight back with him by my side. To believe in him, because all things are good with and through him. All things are possible with God.

Amen? Amen.

I try to surround myself with really faith strong people. A little spiritual support. Because sometimes, if we're being honest, we all lose forget how mighty he is and we need a reminder to our tail ends, a swift kick in the butt with a little faith, if you will.

Those people have continuously reminded me to not give up, God will heal me again and he will never leave me. He has not forsaken me. The stronger I become in my faith, the more the enemy sets out to destroy it. There is power in the name and belief in Jesus.

He proved that yesterday, yet again, he had healed me. I am officially cancer free for the 3rd time in my life. At this point I'm either too stubborn to die or Jesus isn't done using me... Its probably a little of both. I mean I admit, I am really stubborn a majority of the time.

So when I started thinking about all the stress I had been under given the latest diagnosis, I realized... I was not fully relying on my faith in the Lord. I said to myself (while watching the good doctor stitch up the gaping gross hole in my foot), look at the miracle he had once again performed right in front of me, inside of me.

God is good, yall. He is more than that, he is great!

The truth is, you never really know what someone is facing on the inside or what they are dealing with in life. While they may be positive, smiling, and happy-go-lucky on the outside, doesn't mean they are not battling something on the inside or in their personal every day, off social media lives. Life is not always what we perceive it to be for others. I can promise you that most of who read this would never have known this is what I have been facing for the last 8 months had you not taken 5 minutes to read this drawn out post. It may come to a shock to more than few of you that I am not always positive or happy. My anxiety gets the best of me most days. I literally wake up in a cold sweat and ask Husband if he still loves me at 4 in the morning. (His response is always, DUH! I married you, didn't I? Its too expensive to divorce you at this point anyways... GO BACK TO SLEEP CRAZY WOMAN.)  I worry about everything and I tend to create bigger problems out of smaller ones because of it...and that's just life for me lately.

I realize that so many people in life feel alone with their selves and their thoughts. That's why this post was written and publicly posted. To be a reminder that everyone is dealing with something.

There are plenty of people we as friends and family look at and perceive their lives as "perfect". I am guilty of it. As for me and my own experience, I am going to change that.

I try to practice kindness every day of my life to everyone I come in contact with. Because like myself, I was and have been battling things inside no one else knew/knows about and you may just help someone greater than what you can imagine by being kind, by being a friend.

And to the ones dealing with what feels like a unconquerable mountain, just keep hanging on. Just because it feels like life is over, its not. It does get better, even if it is for a brief moment. God is there with you, you are not alone. Believe me, I have wanted to just let go and give up so many times. Just keep hanging on and instead of giving up, let go and let God instead. Because to us it may be a mountain, but to him it is nothing but a mere pebble.

Love yall, mean it.

Chrystal Louise

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

A dose of reality...

For the last year and a half of my life I've dealt with pain, frustration, and the pains of being a woman, all due to having a surgery that potentially saved my life last January. So I've dealt with it, because it kept me alive to see another day with my loved ones. But that hasn't made it easier.

I think the scariest thing up to this point was having no choice in say to have a hysterectomy, even though it was my choice to speak with a medical professional about my underlying constant pain with the thought of a hysterectomy in mind. Will it be another surgery to save my life, allow me to watch my babies grow, and to grow old with my husband? Yes. Regardless of the confirming thoughts and medical facts, it didn't help.

The realization set in about a month ago that everything I've ever been partially good at is being taken away from me. Bearing children, being a mother, being a woman. That left me heartbroken. Although, Mike and I never planned on adding another child to our family, the thought was daunting. I was scared to talk about it. I was scared to let myself feel everything that was normal to be feeling.

Then one night, I broke.

I sat across from my husband and cried in the middle of a busy restaurant. As many of you know, I have a very loving husband. He is my rock, no doubt. But sometimes, he can tend to be a little less than comforting in awkward, my wife is having a melt down in the middle of a bbq joint and her snot is dripping on her ribs, moments. This lead to his absolute confusion. He knew, that I knew, we didn't plan on having more babies- I had apperantly lost my mind. Maybe I had for a brief moment.

Everything, every bit of fear, concern, and emptiness I had been feeling the last two weeks fell right out on the table that night.

While in doing so, I made my husband feel guilty. "Freeze your eggs.", he said. I would be lying if I said the thought hadn't occurred to me. But the reality of having another child is not for us. And while it was a generous offer, I had to decline. I felt guilty myself for making him feel as if I needed this to be okay.

The truth is, I can barely manage the children I have now without drinking. Let alone if we added a 6th child. Kidding about the drinking... Kinda.

The next stage I went through was fear. Fear of pain, recovering, and not being able to be everything I am everyday. Wife, mom, husbands business secretary, maid, chauffeur, cook, the list goes on...

I met with my amazing doctor who somehow even eased my anxiety. Who told me it is completely normal to go through these stages. Some women go through it before, some go through it after.. And still if I've had these feelings before, it is completely normal to feel them again afterwards.

G R E A T. I look forward to that. Someone pass the Xanax, please?

Today, 8 days and counting till surgery- through all the stages it has taken me to get here- I am ready. I am ready to live life without pain holding me back. I'm ready to live my life without fear of the C word staring me back in the face.

Today, I am ready to recover.


Friday, April 15, 2016

If I could only be...

Life has taught me many things. Lessons, lots of life lessons. I've learned from every single one of them.

The ones that haunt me most are the ones I fear my own children will go through, if I could only be the person I needed when I was younger...

I never fully understood what I was missing, why I did the thing I was doing. But because I was missing something, someone, I looked for the attention of others in sometimes the most darkest of places.

So I strive to be that person for every single one of my 5, that may be we know nothing about consciously- but they are in fact missing.

I strive. Strive daily to be a better person, Mom, Step Mom, friend, not for myself, but for them.

I strive to be everything maybe the someone or something in their lives is not.

My personal vow is to protect them.
And in a different light, they very well protect me.

They keep me alive. They are the air that fills my lungs, they are my breath. Without them, I am positively sure my life would be non existent.

I know I've said this a million times, but sometimes when reality hits you square in the face and knocks the breath out you- I find it more noticeable on days like today that being a parent is hard, being a step parent is MUCH MUCH harder.

I can only do so much with what I am given, I can only speak so much before there is a line between myself and them that is drawn.

It's almost as if somedays I feel like I'm drowning in love and the other days.. I'm in a sea with waves of hate that are taking no break while crashing around me. I'm drowning. When somedays it feels as if I can't even save myself to save them.

And even if it takes my last breath being everything they need, I know this...

I will not stop being the person I needed when I was younger for them, even if it is appreciated or not. And I will love them, love them harder than even the day I did before.

In the long run, what a life I have lived if I can only devout myself to being everything a mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, niece or a stranger, that I am trying to be and succeed.

If I could only be...


Thursday, March 10, 2016

Lies I tell you..

9 years into Momhood and one conversation with a gorgeous Mama friend of mine later....
Got me thinking...

Why aren't more Moms just real about this ish?  I mean, pushing a human out of your hoo haa is not a walk in the park, people.


It's not all roses or peach daquiris...
(God I love peach daquiris!)

Let's be real!

Sometimes, 70% of the time, being a Mom sucks.

It literally started off with with a pain in the ass...

Yes, there are all those moments- sweet, snuggly, googly-eyed moments that make us melt, I'm sure there are-everyday, but---

What about the in between moments? The ones that make you wanna pull your hair out, that no one seems to want to talk about?

The first time you breast fed, it sucked that you felt like a failure because you couldn't get brand new bundle of joy to latch on correctly, your nipples are gushing blood (totes NORMAL, right?) and the lactation nurse isn't helping matters calling you every 10 mins making you feel like your kid is in fact STARVING, or maybe baby was colicky, or what about the time you lived 13 hours away from your family and you didn't have anyone to ask to watch the little pipsqeak long enough to wash the 3 day old spit up out of your hair?

Don't ask me why there was 3 days of not washing my hair. I was hormonal, emotional and tired. The thought of undressing and seeing my post baby body made me want to spit up myself. The actual energy to bend over in the shower to pick up all the hair I was losing wasn't worth it. God forbid I actually shave my week long unshaven legs or underarms. The thought of doing any of these made me want to cry...but sleep more. 

It's draining somedays.

And I don't know about y'all, but I wanted to be selfish. Let the baby cry and go in the room and cry myself. My first born was the easiest baby ever. Independent. Silly. Happy. But 10mo into being his mom, I realized, I didn't want to be.

Not because he wasn't the best or coolest kid on the block, because DUH- he was-and not because I couldn't remember what it was like before our worlds collided and my existence was purely for his life only.

But because post pregnancy messes with your brain- and then I realized, I was sad. And for some reason, people don't like to talk about sad.

This amazing human being loved me, I was his world, everything I had ever imagined being to someone and then when the day was over.. I didn't want any of it.

I wanted to be in college with all my friends. I wanted to be out and about, living my life for me and no one else. 

Pregnant with baby number 2 chasing first born through Epcot to the finding Nemo ride was so memorable.. Did I mention it was my 21st birthday and I was chasing a damn toddler around in between crowds of people with goofy looking grins and mouse ears on their heads and not tequila shots?

Tell me again, why they say pregnant women can't drink? Oh, yeah.. Their health and stuff... Im convinced a man must have come up with that.

But what about our sanity? 

How about the time my precious little Nick Nick decided to grab the new little alien looking thing by her ankles WHEN SHE WAS ONLY 2wks OLD and proceeded to hang her upside down by her feet...

Somehow and incredibly enough- she's tougher than him now. She makes him cry.

Then fast forward to this week, when you feel as if you're already struggling to be The good Mom, perfect Mom, make the right decisions, keep up the good work and then shit hits the fan and you find yourself struggling even more at trying to be a even better step-mom. Can I just say that being a step mom is harder than I ever imagined?

 My kids naturally love me. We fight, we make up. I give them tough love, two door slams and about 15 mins later, I feel there teeny little arms wrap around my waist and they tell me they love me.

However, I've learned that having step children is a whole different ball game. They don't have to like you, let alone love you. They don't even have to talk to you if they don't wanna. Also- you can't make them.

Especially when you have to be more than JUST their friend and step mom, you have to be a real life in the moment, giving all the tough love you can, Mom. And those times suck even worse.

It's jaded. It makes you feel like you've got your shit together, but at the same time--
It makes you feel like you've totally failed somewhere at some point in the last 2 years of being in their lives.

I am the proud lover of all 3 of my step darlings. They complete my heart and soul in ways I never thought I could understand.

When I became a mom, no one ever told me how hard it would be. When I became a step mom, shit got real real.

For the very first time I realized, I'm not perfect. I'm gonna piss someone off or all 5 of them off at the same time. And that's when the magic happens.

If someone's not pissed at me, I must be doing something wrong. Because when they are upset, I am doing something right.

Pat on the back there, C.

Has it been worth every bit of the last 9 years of my life up until today? Totally.

And every ounce of red wine I have consumed to get me through it later.

Because sometimes us Moms just need a little encouragement from a friend or when shit gets real tough, a big box of wine. Or both.

Raising humans is hard in a world that is now weirder, harder, and a whole lot damn scarier than it was when I was growing up.

We all have that selfish part of us, that part that says I'd rather be sipping martinis on a Manhattan Sky Rise with the girls or at the beach with your big floppy hat, shades, cute new momkini, with an umbrella drink in your hand- no children in sight that are biologically yours- rather than wiping the butts and boogers out of our little human noses or dealing with their teen stuff.

We are human. It's okay to not be okay with Moming that day. Some days suck worse than others and it's okay to admit it.

But here's the kicker, we do it. It'd drive us crazy if we couldn't.

It may not feel like your winning at this thing every day, but I can guarantee you, regardless if you've not showered in 3 days or you left your kid in his stroller and walked off to see a firework show at Walt Disney World-minus said kid in stroller, (Total I thought YOU had him moment!) You're winning.

And hopefully at this time none of you are reporting me to DHR.

Rock on Mamas,

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Blogger Circa 2010.

Fast forward to 2016.
Kill me.
I feel old. Out dated.
Not nearly as humorous, chic or word savvy as some of these kids.
This big ole' world of fabulous ladies and gents has changed oh so much.
And I'm not sure where I am left standing in the midst of the humor, fashion, the makeup, and other magical- mystical realms of this world anymore.
Do I talk about my never a dull moment/ridiculous life with Husband
and our 5 precious little humans?
Like the time my Nickster decided to inform my husband that I had been gang banged....
Oh but yes, that REALLY happened.
2 people know this story. I am forever embarrassed.
I wish this conversation was being recorded.
Hello AFV. I'd be $50k richer.
Setting: Living room, playing Black Ops 3 with my kid and Husband.
(Because what do all other cool Mama Bears and Wifeys do?)
Nick: "Mom, you totally just got gang-banged!!!!"
Me: "What?!?"
Husband: "Mommy, have you been gang-banged before?"
Me: "N-"
God help me. As you can imagine, I almost had a stroke.
Apparently, getting your arse kicked on Team Death Match is now this generations fully renounced meaning of "getting gang-banged".
I'm still a little dead inside from that one.
Or do I tell you all about my fancy smancy workout routine I did tonight in my living room- 5 sets of 10, all while squatting with a 50lb Diva on my back. Do I mention I almost died, fell back on the very last one and did NOT harm my child in the process? Leaving out that earlier today I totally enjoyed shoving a Five Guys Burger in my mouth and some fries. For the record, I plan for it to be my last regular cheat meal for a while. I am also pretty sure I won't be able to move tomorrow.
Husband may not know it, but we are going to start practicing Acro-yoga together.
He says, "Only after we obtain some sort of health insurance, because of his bigness and my natural clumsiness, I am sure to injure some delicate part of my body or worse, his..." He's probably right. After we hit the big leagues and are Acro Yogi extraordinaires, we I will start a ridiculous Insta account you can all enjoy.
I know, I know.
You're welcome.
There is actually no real point to this post, other than I have no clue what to blog about in this world of fabulous unicorns anymore. And everyone, including me, is on some sort of device in my living room and I needed someone to ramble to.
Struggle of Generation Technology is real, yall.
The night is young, I am about to go blast some Zombs with my kid and get gang banged... 
and I just had to spell JAIL for my 7 year old.
Lord, sweet baby Jesus...
Mama Bear, out.