Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Hickory dickory dock...

I'm not really sure where to start on this post nor do I even know if people watching in a Cancer Institute waiting room is even mildly appropriate. But for some reason as I sit here and watch these beautiful souls walk by, I can't help but wonder what must be running through their minds or what type of cancer they are fighting.

 Is it their first time or 50th? Are they just as scared as I was the first time I walked through those sliding glass doors? How many options do they have? Chemo? Surgery? Do they have any at all? What's their fate? 

You see people of all walks of life in this building. All with the same gleam of hope, worry, and some with a very somber, yet sad look in their eyes.

No one likes to talk about the C word.. 

Well, what I've learned about that word is that #1, it's scary as hell. #2, I never thought it could actually happen to me. And #3, A question that I know runs through every single persons mind in this building: Will I survive? 

That's it. That's the question. Will I survive? That's what we all want to be sure of, what we want to know matter of factly, and what we pray for every night. Even if you're not battling cancer, I find myself sometimes just asking this in regards to life. 

Ultimately, there is only one person who can answer that question. It is not me or you or the next door neighbor. 

I've heard people say that "God only gives the toughest of battles to his strongest of soldiers.". 

I'll tell you 2 things I think about that statement: Thats crap. (Yeah, I said it. Not Jesus, but the part about being the strongest.) And I'm not going down without a fight. 

Stressfully enough, my procedure on the 6th will clear up the confusion and No matter the outcome, I can finally rest my mind and body. 

Going through this has been one of the most scariest times of my life. Uncertainty is never a fun ride. And I'm a little bitter and even a little more afraid. I've also learned a lot about the people in my life. 

What some don't understand is that I watched someone near and dear to me battle for years. She was amazingly strong, graciously courageous, and so beautifully fearless. I miss her everyday. But regardless of what statistics say, I believe she won. 

But even so, the statistics do scare me. They scare the hell out of me to be quite frank. 

I find myself subcontiously asking, "What would Reba do?". Man, how I wish I could text her and ask her. She would have the words I needed to hear.

Let's fast forward a few days later to Saturday-- laying in this huge bed, snuggled up in the covers and typing away on this phone, I know that I have a whole lot of people surrounding me with love and support and for that, I couldn't be more thankful.

I know my doctor, regardless of the outcome of Tuesday, has a plan. God has an even bigger one thankfully. So within both, I'm given peace. 

This has made me realize how short and upredictable life truly is. For me, it has shown me many of things. How much my family and friends not only love me, but how much of an impact my life has on theirs. 

Which leads me to this: for the rest of my life, I vow to live it fully. To stop being afraid to take the leap. Have more faith. To love more deeply and think less of my own problems and pray for someone else's. Be more present and laugh more. The little things truly are the best things.

I never knew having this happen to me would open my eyes so widely, but it has. 

I believe I cherish every moment a little more with taking less for granted. Because maybe I'm going to be just fine, but when in reality there's someone out there praying and wishing for a miracle that will ultimately save their life.

We are not promised tomorrow or the next 5 minutes of our lives..

No matter if we think we are bullet proof, the clock is ticking, so---
how do you plan to live the rest of your life? 

"Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind."

In the past years I've caught the "New year, New Me" bug, but over 2014 I became a few "New Me's". Ended one chapter, only to open a new one. I became a single mother. A single lady. Fatty pants to semi skinny mini. Party girl. Confused girl. A self proclaimed borderline alcoholic. A fully recovered borderline alcoholic. Finding not only myself again, but a better version of myself than I was before. Most importantly of these was rekindling my relationship with Christ. Transitions. I made them. Thankfully and somehow unknowingly, I made out of all of them alive.
 
As said above, I am a better version of that girl most of you have known quite a while or nearly all of my life. A better Mother. A better person. A better friend. A better lover. And by lover I mean, I finally figured out what it means to love myself. I also grasped the concept of what love really is. I had a person show me that no matter my past and all the horrible things I feel as if are too awful and unforgivable about myself didn't matter. But yet, it really matters who I am today. That it is okay to be broken. He also showed me and continues to do so every day, that no matter who I was, I am still worth loving. Which ultimately lead me into realizing how to love him better. To trust again, love with no boundaries, and always take it one day at a time.
 
At the end of 2013 I realized all of the trials I had been through that year had made me become brave, strong, and fearless. 2014 was a year of losing myself and everything I had known as my identity, to finding this woman who had always lived inside of me. I had to lose every part of who I was to find the person that I was supposed to become. I am grateful for 2014. It has shed its light on and around me. In the same breath, I am also thankful to see it go. I was forced to say too early of goodbyes, not only to a family member, but to one of my dearest friends. This year also includes the heartaches that I indulged, the dark seas I created for myself, and the fear of continuously losing more and more of myself with every single turn I made. 
 
As of 6 months ago the sun started to shine a little bit brighter, the seas weren't so rough, and my boat that was sinking, suddenly started to float again.

Many of you have resolutions for every new year, but considering all the "New" I encountered this year, I don't really have any for this coming year. I guess all I really have are just promises I vow to keep to myself from this day forward. 

I vow to allow myself to love others unconditionally, as well as myself. To never use anyone and never allow myself to be used again. To continue to move forward and stop looking behind me. To never faultier or give up when things don't go as planned. 

God has definitely thrown the wrench in my tires over the last few weeks. I started asking him, "Why me, Lord?". Not knowing if you can weather the storm that is waiting before you is a very scary thing and still is when you don't have all the answers. Regardless, I know he always has a plan. All I have right now is my faith. And a whole lotta love surrounding and supporting me. So, I am hopeful going into 2015. 

"Faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13 

I pray every single one of you never give up hope, on your faith, or on love. No matter how great your life is going or how dark your seas may be, have hope, even if it seems you have nothing else. 

This year is full of blank pages to fill in. 365 to be exact & I'm just getting started on my bestseller.
 


What about you?
Chrystal Louise

Monday, December 29, 2014

That Girl. Who is she?

For starters, I'm still trying to figure out who that may be, but so far I know my name is Chrystal, I'm 27 years young, and called "Mama" by one handsome little gentleman in the works and one gorgeous little diva in the making. Self-proclaimed wine and coffee connoisseur. Born and raised in a small town, Im a green eyed Southern Belle born with a gypsy soul. A girl who once traveled the world one 4 year stop at a time has now found her home away from home in Mobile, Alabama. Juggling the new brought joys of life, becoming a single mom/single lady living in Generation Y, I've lived the last fun, yet dreadfully long year of being single and ready to mingle, with too many hangovers to count, and a shit ton of bad decisions later (thanks, Tinder). And just when I thought all the good guys were just a figment of imagination...
I ended up meeting the man of my dreams, Michael Shane. 
(Not found on Tinder)
Suddenly, my comfortable little family of 3 became a blended family of 7 humans and 1 furry little fellow named, Barkley. Inadvertently all these new beginings brought me here to this land, yet again. I am and together we are free spirited, ever changing, ever growing, loving life and living it as simply and fully as my Single Mom budget accounts for, one glass of cheap cold Red Wine at a time.. 

Welcome, 
Chrystal Louise

Friday, December 19, 2014

It's going down, I'm yelling...Tinder?

What the hell is Tinder?? Who knows, but that sounds fun! Man, it seems like yesterday I was introduced to that app. (Thanks, Mitz!) 

Also, to my girl Kesha for belting such a song I could put my own little spin on. 

Now, in my defense I was naive. I had been married and/or had a significant other since the age of 15. That's 12 years ladies and gents of the ever evolving "hook up generation". Little did I know there was a freaking app for it.

And so, I hit install and signed up. Choices and tons of them!! Only if by fates ugly chance that they swiped right you'd soon be locking lips... I mean, chatting over dinner of course at your favorite little restaurant downtown and ending the night by going to bed by yourself.... 

Also, God forbid you accidentally swipe right when you meant to swipe left. 

End.Of.The.World. 

Followed by girly screams of "NOOO!! We matched!" and then deleting that son of a bitch as fast as your pretty little manicured fingers could take you.

I was back in the playing field. I was single, cute, and ready for all things boys.

Did I mention I had just lost a whopping 72lbs? I looked great and had felt better about myself than I had in the last 9 years. All the playing cards were in my hands. 

And boy was I wrong. 

Regretfully and thankfully I learned that there are some pretty faced assholes out there that go by the names of: well, we probably shouldn't point fingers, should we? 

And then there were the guinuine guys, that turned into nothing but a solid friendship. 

Anywho, coming out of a 9 year marriage/12 year relationship with the same dude and signing up for a hook up app isn't going to get you a Prince Charming or at least I didn't have that kind of luck. 

But if you're into gambling, why not roll the dice? And so I did for all of about 7 months. 

Lots of conversations, dates, some of those dates you couldn't even consider dates because he didn't pay for your $10 dinner or he "forgot" his PIN number when he needed to get cash out of the ATM, scarring pictures that I'm not even sure I can get forgiveness for looking at, a few hundred miles on my car, and one emotionally and mentally exhausting 5 month not so relationship later, I woke up. 

I seen the bigger picture. I opened my eyes and realized... MY WORTH. 

I was more than a cheap dinner, drinks, and sex. More than a convenience or a one night stand. My Mama had taught me better, I knew in my head the morals I held for myself were higher... 

Why was I degrading myself and letting myself be used in ways that no matter how you looked at it or the scenarios you made up in your head to make yourself feel better about the things you were doing, were wrong?

And still at this point, I hadn't even realize just how lost I had become. 

Like I said, regretfully and somehow thankfully, I am glad I signed up. I learned so many things about, #1 Year 2014 #2 Men, and last but not least, and certainly most importantly, #3 myself and how a lady is supposed to be treated, not only by herself, but by the other gender. 

Respect. Self worth, if you will. 

I didn't understand how to be okay without someone. I didn't want to be alone, but I was. 

There wasn't really any of those guys who were there for me. Not one. Not one that truly cared and had my best interest at heart. I allowed myself to be used and I used them as well. I had options.. Usually 2 or 3 of them. 

Games are fun if you know how to play them and I had no clue just what type of game I had started playing until I found myself drowning in a sea of dirty pictures and one sided texts only hoping for a response.

Apparently, but not apparent to myself at the time, all I was looking for was acceptance. Acceptance from someone else. What I learned is that I was begging for someone else's acceptance when really deep down inside, I was fighting accepting who I had become. 

Lets be honest for a moment, shall we?This generation and their perception on the "perfect girl" is bullshit. It's also exhausting and overwhelming. 

For months I wore rose colored glasses and danced the night away, taking one too many fireball shots. I didn't realize the overwhelming strain it was putting on me, my body, or my life for that matter. 

Ultimately, you are worth more than texting only to recieve nothing but silence on the other end for what seems like hours on end. You are worth more than a cheap date and a one night stand.

If you're into that kind of thing and totally okay with wanting nothing more, I say go on with your bad self, girl. You are also more of a stronger woman emotionally and mentally than I. 

But if you are playing the fun little game we like to call Tinder or as Mike likes to say "a quick way to get some D." (Insert gagging noises here.), here are a few things I highly prescribe: 

Condoms. And if that's just not your thing, a weekly trip to your nearest obgyn or health department for a STD check should do the trick. Also to the local drugstore for a Plan B pill will maybe get your becoming a baby mama to Joe who's name you're not really even sure is Joe because that's just what he called himself in the bar last night, but you couldn't ask him for his number or his name because he left before you woke up this morning could fix your, ehh hmm, "problem".

No judgement here, because I was having what seemed to be the time of my life at one point.

I read an article one night while laying in bed talking to my Tinder not so boyfriend or boyfriend (Who the hell knows what he was, Im still confused) about how this girl was raped after she invited a tinder date back to her apartment after they had dinner to watch a movie. There are crazies out there. Normal looking, funny, who seems to be a catch, could rape you?

I never imagined this could have possibly happened to me. Not once did I question anything like that. That was the night I deleted all things Tinder. And not just the app, but the entire profile. That article had truly scared me. 

I hadn't thought that grabbing dinner and then heading back home to snuggle up with the cutie on the couch to watch a horror movie may have just ended up being my very own personal horror flick. 

The point of this post is your worth and safety. I questioned both at the end of my game. And thankfully, I didn't end up on 48 hours, an episode of snapped, or worse... Ghonnaherpesyphylitis.

Here are a few of the vain selfies I posted on my Tinder profile...

All shame accounted for btw. 


At the end of the day, just be safe. And protect your heart and body, because for those 7 months I was doing neither. 

So, I'll leave you with this ladies and gents... 

To Tinder or not to Tinder? 

That's the question....

Yours truly, 
Chrystal Louise