Is it their first time or 50th? Are they just as scared as I was the first time I walked through those sliding glass doors? How many options do they have? Chemo? Surgery? Do they have any at all? What's their fate?
You see people of all walks of life in this building. All with the same gleam of hope, worry, and some with a very somber, yet sad look in their eyes.
No one likes to talk about the C word..
Well, what I've learned about that word is that #1, it's scary as hell. #2, I never thought it could actually happen to me. And #3, A question that I know runs through every single persons mind in this building: Will I survive?
That's it. That's the question. Will I survive? That's what we all want to be sure of, what we want to know matter of factly, and what we pray for every night. Even if you're not battling cancer, I find myself sometimes just asking this in regards to life.
Ultimately, there is only one person who can answer that question. It is not me or you or the next door neighbor.
I've heard people say that "God only gives the toughest of battles to his strongest of soldiers.".
I'll tell you 2 things I think about that statement: Thats crap. (Yeah, I said it. Not Jesus, but the part about being the strongest.) And I'm not going down without a fight.
Stressfully enough, my procedure on the 6th will clear up the confusion and No matter the outcome, I can finally rest my mind and body.
Going through this has been one of the most scariest times of my life. Uncertainty is never a fun ride. And I'm a little bitter and even a little more afraid. I've also learned a lot about the people in my life.
What some don't understand is that I watched someone near and dear to me battle for years. She was amazingly strong, graciously courageous, and so beautifully fearless. I miss her everyday. But regardless of what statistics say, I believe she won.
But even so, the statistics do scare me. They scare the hell out of me to be quite frank.
I find myself subcontiously asking, "What would Reba do?". Man, how I wish I could text her and ask her. She would have the words I needed to hear.
Let's fast forward a few days later to Saturday-- laying in this huge bed, snuggled up in the covers and typing away on this phone, I know that I have a whole lot of people surrounding me with love and support and for that, I couldn't be more thankful.
I know my doctor, regardless of the outcome of Tuesday, has a plan. God has an even bigger one thankfully. So within both, I'm given peace.
This has made me realize how short and upredictable life truly is. For me, it has shown me many of things. How much my family and friends not only love me, but how much of an impact my life has on theirs.
Which leads me to this: for the rest of my life, I vow to live it fully. To stop being afraid to take the leap. Have more faith. To love more deeply and think less of my own problems and pray for someone else's. Be more present and laugh more. The little things truly are the best things.
I never knew having this happen to me would open my eyes so widely, but it has.
I believe I cherish every moment a little more with taking less for granted. Because maybe I'm going to be just fine, but when in reality there's someone out there praying and wishing for a miracle that will ultimately save their life.
We are not promised tomorrow or the next 5 minutes of our lives..
No matter if we think we are bullet proof, the clock is ticking, so---
how do you plan to live the rest of your life?