Hello... It's Me.

Your life is just begining. You have so many lessons to learn. Please be easy on your heart. Remember that some promises are meant to be broken. No matter how much they hurt you, things happen for a reason. Many will help you understand this. This will change you, but you will find yourself, who you were meant to be. Do not be bitter because of the past. People will judge you based off hear say or what they've seen. Do not let those people take away the shine from within. Better yourself not for them, but for you. Never give up on yourself. You will make it, no matter how hard you may have it at any given time.

Never stop believing you are the daughter of the King of Kings. His love for you will always be. You are perfectly imperfect. You are forgiven by his grace and loved through his mercy. You will fall short of his foot steps... But we all do. Remember he will never turn his back on you no matter how far you may have fallen behind.

Friendships will come and many will go. Turn away from negativity. For those that have loose lips about others, very well have loose lips about you. Trust only few. At a certain point in your life if you were to show someone 5 of your closests friends, They could show you your future. This is a huge lesson you will learn. Surround yourself with trust, respect, love and you will find just that filling the gaps in your life and heart. You will endure a few select heartbreaks and you will survive each of them. You will build up mountain sized walls. Eventually you will trust enough to break them down one by one. You will try and protect your heart, only to do the opposite. You will become a stronger version of the person before each of those heartbreaks changed you.

Your children will love you no matter the path you decide to take. They will see strength where others have condemned and laid judgement on you. One day they will understand how frightened you must have been to fail them and how strong you must have been to pick up the pieces around you and fix what you may have broken. You are their Mama, their hero, and always their safe place. They will always look for you and love you.

You will find that someone who loves you as much as you can love them. Pray for that man. Pray blessings over his life. Pray that your love only grow stronger, the stronger you both grow in Christ. Uplift him when he is down and when he is not. Remind him he is worth every ounce of his being. That true love doesn't end and it does in fact still exist. Old love is a beautiful thing. Help him believe in that again. Stand beside him and face the world, no matter the circumstances at hand.

To be forgiven you must first forgive. To move along with your life, you must learn to let go of the past. Take pride in the person your 28 year old self has become and smile. The mom you strive to be. The years to come will be some of your best. God has his hand on you and his plans for you are never wrong. They may be vastly different than the ones you have for yourself, but his are always perfect.

Every single day, smile, Chrystal Louise. Laugh and love. And most importantly, never stop. 

Sincerely,

Not Adele.

The girl behind the screen.

I haven't washed my hair in 3 days in hopes that without applying heat it will have grown at least 2in since Friday evening.

 

Pathetically enough and if we are actually going to be honest, its mainly just pure laziness. Yet, weirdly- I think I'm kind of pulling it off. I don't know if Husband has actually noticed I haven't washed it or has just decided to let me test out my own experiment or maybe thinks I'm having some sort of silent emotional breakdown and refuses to mention for now being that it could cause an even more emotionally unstable breakdown. Michael and I both are pretty OCD about hygiene. Given that piece of information, I know I have a timeline no longer than tomorrow and then I'll have to wash the mane. Or he will throw me in the shower Baby Mama style while I cry in the corner just like Poehler, clothes and all.

 

See what I did there?

 

I ruined a perception you had of me.

You thought that I always have my hair done, makeup on, that I'm manicured, the works.

Now that you all are thoroughly grossed out at the fact that I am:

1. That lazy of a human being.

Let's move on shall we?

(BTW, I have showered. Just refusing to use shampoo for now.)

 

Perception.

Definition: the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses. 

 

We all have them.

My favorite one is that by what people post on social media is their ACTAUL REAL LIFE.

The girl I am behind this screen is who I am in reality.
(You just know more than my husband knows at this point.)

However, I give you the portion I want you to see.
I am NOT going to post a picture of what day 3 unwashed hair looks like on me.

Here's the reason(s) why:

It's none of your business.
My life is way more messier than my Facebook claims it is.

I know a lot of you think my post about my life are gag worthy and that's okay, I do too most of the time. I constantly am like, really Chrystal? What about the bad shit? All the while all of you are saying, "Her life couldn't possibly be "that perfect"."

Let's be real for a minute..
ITS NOT.

I'm sure if I updated my status 20 times a day with every single thought and event that happened in between the gag worthy stuff, 1. I'd have a lot less friends and a lot more enemies...
Most of you would end up making pretty hilarious and judgmental memes about me or just unfriend me. My ex husbands new wife post meme's about me all the time. SOO MUCH FUN.

That's another post for another day-

Anywhooooo-

What you may not know is that Michael and I argue!!! SHOCKER. Its usually minimal stuff and over in 2.5 seconds, but it happens. In between the pictures on Insta and Facebook- there are arguments, worry, stress. You don't see these things-hear our prayers of bids coming through that could financially help us in many ways more than one, you cant possibly imagine our trials, the things we go through to keep our family afloat. You didn't know that 3 weeks ago our power was cut off or the cable the very next week. Or how Husband doesn't get home sometimes till 8pm on weeknights or works all day on Saturday just to provide for his family because he believes that is HIS job... and how sad it makes me and how appreciative I am that I have a hardworking husband that is killing himself trying to make ends meet for our family of 7. You don't see how hard it is for a mother to let their step mother spank her children, you don't see how hard it is for me to only be a step mother to 3 kids who have completely enraptured my heart and everything that comes along in general about being a step-parent. It's hard. It's all so rewarding at the end of the day. But like I said, there are plenty of things you don't see, I don't post, and I don't talk about.

Stop basing your perceptions on the lives of others, based off of what they post on a social media outlet. Nobody has a perfect life.

My neighbor said to me last month or so, "I had no idea. I just thought because Mike owns his own company and can do all these different amazing things, ya'll didn't have it hard.".

Really?

BTW- I love my neighbor and we have had this conversation plenty. So no bad blood, but seriously.

It does go to show how we perceive others and their lives based off of what we show the world.

Stop judging people from an outside perception.
If you wanna know something, ask me. Don't assume.
9 times out of 10, unless its just extremely personal-
I'm going to tell you.

Ask someone how their day is going. Call an old friend, make sure life is treating them okay.
Because sometimes the strongest looking people are actually the weakest.
Be a good person, stop this generations perception of perfect.
NO ONE IS or HAS A PERFECT LIFE...
And if you do- Man, I would love to talk to you.

I said I wouldn't, but if we are going to keep it real:

Here is the girl behind the screen.

 

3 days of unwashed hair in all its oily glory.

 

 

Sincerely,

-C

To My Knight in Shiny Wet Scuba Gear, I love you.

I always dreamed as a little girl that someday I would find my very own Prince Charming like all the other Princess' known.

Except for mine I prayed he would be strong.

God fearing.

Filled with humor and all the love.

But most importantly- a gentle, God seeking heart.

And I found him 27 years later. And at 28, here I am...

 Loving everything thing I have ever prayed for. 

He holds my hand, my heart, and the key to my soul. 

He also holds in his farts, most  of the time. And that my friends is important. 

Our love for one another began sometime over a year ago.. But our story is just beginning. 

Here's to being a beautiful, crazy, loud blended family of 7. I couldn't imagine anything more perfect than what we have in these children, in this life together, and as a family. 

Happy 1 month to our forever, Michael Shane. We did it. 

Thank you for making me the happiest lady in all the land.

I love you, 

Louise

Enough?

Summer is here. School is out. I can officially turn off my alarm clock for the early A.M. ritual of uniforms, snacks, and getting my munchkies off to school. 

Relaxation. 

Well, until my alarm clock goes off with the sound of "Mommy!". And while I wouldn't trade it for the world or have it any other way.. I've caught a serious case of "sleepers block" if you will. 

Instead of sleep I find myself wanting to write. And by write I could carry on with enough words about pointless information lately to write a freaking novel. 

Also- this sucks when your alarm clock does not have a snooze button and wants to wake you every 5 minutes from a 3 hour slumber. 

It may have something to do with the nap I took around 7:30 this evening too...  

I've taken 1 more than prescribed of Melatonin and a 800mg of Michaels Ibuprofen. Who knows. I still can't sleep. 

God, how wish I could sleep. 

So- here I am- bright eyed and messy haired-  wondering lately what this thing we call "love" truly is. What's the definition? Is it more than feeling? A knowing from the tips of our toes to the depths of our souls? A piece of paper? Two people? Two hearts? The rings? Vows? Does it take a heart more than days, a few months, or but years to know you know? 

Or let's get crazy for a minute, shall we? 

Forget the paper, rings, the minister, changing of last names, and let's just say calling you mine and you calling me yours be enough. 

Is that enough? 

I was raised to believe morally & biblically two people wed under God, witness', and tied together by a judge, preacher, or random ordained homeless guy off the street. And then but only then, you are but finally made as one flesh. You get the picture. 

Marriage. 

It's what's morally and biblically true and correct?  Right? 

The vows, the dress, the rings, the ceremony, said ordained homeless man off the street. All of this, just to tie you together? 

It's been brought to my attention, that just because my beliefs are BIG- doesn't mean everyone agrees with them. 

Well, shit. 

That really threw a wrench in my tire. 

I've heard that when you figure out that you could spend the rest of your life with someone you want that forever to start immediately. 

Uh oh- I've done this before. Got the t-shirt, scars, and everything but the kitchen sink that came along with that (nothing short of a miracle) failure in my life. 

When I decided I wanted to be on my own two feet and raise two precious nuggets by myself, I realized..

I hated love, what it had done to me, everything that consisted of it, and I was certain I was NEVER EVER getting married again. 

Then that one guy came along and my ONE (top secret) wedding Pinterest board is now perfectly divided into FOUR publicly announced wedding boards- for all the eyes to see. 

The Ring. The Dress. The Day. The party. 

If only our home were that organized, we'd be in fabulous shape. 

Tradition, moral, or biblical breaking- 

Is it enough without the things man tells us has to be followed to be considered man and wife in the public eye?

I've pondered this a million times. I've also bugged Michael Shane (bless his heart) a trillion times over that. 

Anyone that truly knows me, knows I do not take no for an answer.. Easily, anyways. 

I can also be quite stubborn. 

Que the gasp! Shocker, I know! 

Our love story is love, trust, family, compromise, respect, communication, and most importantly, it is centered around Christ. Nothing more or less. 

This is love to us. This is what ties us together and we feel as if we are one already -but- Is it enough? 

Im assuming my real question is, is it enough for two people- to make a promise to God, who love each other from the depths of their souls and with their entire being, and promise to be the only one for the rest of their lives.. To Raise a family together, live together, love together- Without the ring (okay- well maybe the ring 😊), the vows, and cooky ordained guy at the alter and still have eternity with Christ? 

Give me clarity. 

Is it enough? 

-C 

My Mothers Daughter

2 weeks ago I sat in the waiting room along with 20 others and with my feverish, snot nose, ear aching, coughing, and congested little Diva while I played with her hair as she stared up at me asking me 10 thousand questions I caught myself... 

I can remember laying with my head in the lap of my own mother on numerous occasions while she played with my hair as we waited to see the doctor. 

Looking back I remember saying as a teen, "I never want to be like my mother." and fast forwarding to yesterday, I realized...

I've turned into my mother. 

That revelation was a very weird, yet, one very accomplishing feeling that I don't think I've ever had before. Now, sounding like her.. Sometimes it amazes me how she somehow just manifested herself through me and is speaking... 

The thought makes me cringe every time.

My Diva had a million and one questions to ask me. Her inquisitions are so random at times, unicorns, babies, and other various subjects that have left me blinking in amazement at her a few go-rounds. 

I think frustration and amazement come wrapped in bows with pretty little markings. 

Children have the tenacity to drive you crazy and have you smiling all in one token. Over the last few days.. This has been the case. 

Being a mother is exhausting. It's also the best job in the world. 

Over the years, I'm sure my mom felt this way about my 6yr old Diva/ADHD self at one point too. 

On numerous occasions telling me, "You make me wanna pull my damn hair out, Chrystal Louise!!!". 

Believe me, I'm sure I did just that.  I can't deny the fact that I was a horrible/hyperactive/doing cartwheels in the lobby as we waited, brat of a child. 

Then I realized how precious these moments are. That I wouldn't trade a thousand moons or stars for that matter. There is no better place in this world I would rather be than in these waiting rooms with these children. 

Fast forward to last Wednesday and yesterday, there I was sitting in the same waiting room with another little precious "daughter" of mine, I caught myself nurturing them the same as if they were my own child. 

Again, my mother came to mind...

Regardless if I birthed them my own or not, I love these children as much as my own. And it pangs me to know they are unwell. 

Not in a million years did I ever imagine I would have any more love to give to any other children but my own, but as night is to day, and as natural as breathing the air into my lungs, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Also, I am in no way, shape, or form trying to be their mother. They have a wonderful mother. I am however going to try my best to be a motherly figure and friend to them. 

Which brings me to my case in point: 

People always asked me what it was like growing up being raised by a Woman who wasn't my birth mother and how that affected me? 

There was never any difference. So, I guess the only effect it had on my life is that I see now how easy it was for her to love a child that wasn't her own. 

What I've realized in the last few days is that not only am I so lucky to have had the privilege of having two amazing mothers, I am privileged to have become a mother myself, not only to my 2, but to be a friend, to love, and to help care for 3 other beautiful little souls as well. 

I am blessed beyond belief.

And so, while I thought the only love I could give would be to my own children, I find myself today, more than any other, understanding what the meaning of unconditional love truly is. 

Thank you, Mom. For loving me, treating me as your own, and showing me the beauty of what unconditional love is.  I owe the mother I have become today to you. 

-Chrystal Louise

Let it go, seriously.

Hi friends. My two week hiatus has been accounted for and I'm sure that you all have missed my reoccurring appearance and have been sitting on the edge of your seats just waiting for more banter to come along, I know, I know. I am back. Post-op and Cancer free!!!! 

Also, I moved out of my apartment.... Which brings us to the subject of this entire post. 

Letting it go. 

Now, I don't know about you.. But, I've always had a little trouble letting shit go. Clothes, MY shoes, people I care for who ultimately do not deserve a place in my life.. The list could go on. 

Truth is, I moved out of my apartment this past Tuesday. I sold my furniture, I gave all my old pretties to goodwill and I looked at my empty little apartment and closed the door. 

This was a huge step for me. Everything I worked so hard for, for almost 2 years to have for me and mine, and there I was standing in the leasing office turning in my keys yesterday afternoon. 

I didn't question it. It felt good, almost reassuring that I knew this decision was a smart one. One I am proud of. I've never questioned it since the day I made it. But I did question why I wasn't questioning it. And that was as weird a feeling as that statement sounds. 

And like a small little poof, I had an epiphany. My life is exactly where it needs to be heading, I am happy where I am and with who I am. I am exactly where I need and want to be.

Somehow in a little less than a year, I grew up. I learned that life is so unpredictable and it's usually just best not to fight it. Weird how drastically your mentality can change after a year of eating Ramen and Chef Boy r'de can lead you. 

While I unpacked the boxes and went through the clothes and personables that I had brought with me into our new life, I found myself questioning why I had held on to those things.

And suddenly I realized that a year ago, I felt I had already lost grip on everything I knew that had been real for over a decade of my life. That shirt with 10,000 holes in it was getting packed and coming with me. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I wasn't letting it go. No one was taking any more of me unless I allowed it.

This time that wasn't the case. I got rid of the 10,000 hole t-shirt, along with 10+ bags of clothes... And let's not even mention almost 8 or more boxes of various things I didn't need. 

It was liberating. I felt almost as if I was freeing myself of the past. I then understood the girl who had came into single momhood was not the girl throwing all these things out. 

I am a different person today then the person I was when I packed those boxes up. A girl who once fought to keep it all, was suddenly giving it all up. I didn't want it. I didn't necessarily need it, even a year ago I didn't need it. 

But I did it. I let go. 

I don't know what kept me from the "letting go". Was it the broken marriage? The thoughts of being alone? My sister and Mike have decided "I was a borderline Hoarder". I beg to differ. As I think about it even more in this moment, were those things in my mind my security blanket for this new life? Who knows. 

And officially as of yesterday at 4:12pm we started a brand new adventure, this time we've added a few persons to the mix. I have nothing to let go of and everything I could possibly want and need right infront of my eyes, who hold such a very deep place in my heart that they are worth holding onto, forever. 

If I had never learned to let go, where would I still be today? Drowning in clothes and non-valuables? Signing up to be on the next episode of hoarders? Probably. 

I know a lot of you are just like me. Not willing to give in or let go. Whether it be clothes or a feud with someone...

Imagine if you were to rid yourself of the things in your life you don't necessarily need or want anymore, think about the wide open spaces you would create in your heart, mind, and even in my case, closets. 

Everyone just needs to take a note from my girl Elsa... And let that shit go. Life is too short to be stuck.

 Let it gooooo... Let it gooooo...

Now that song is repeating itself in your brain like it has the throughout me writing this entire post... I will leave you to it. 

For me, I'm gonna weather the cold and enjoy this date night with my Michael Shane. 

But seriously, the cold is bothering me. 

For the love of God, please warm up soon Mobile. 

Dreaming of bikinis, the beach, and a pretty little tan, 

Chrystal Louise