Life has taught me many things. Lessons, lots of life lessons. I've learned from every single one of them.
The ones that haunt me most are the ones I fear my own children will go through, if I could only be the person I needed when I was younger...
I never fully understood what I was missing, why I did the thing I was doing. But because I was missing something, someone, I looked for the attention of others in sometimes the most darkest of places.
So I strive to be that person for every single one of my 5, that may be we know nothing about consciously- but they are in fact missing.
I strive. Strive daily to be a better person, Mom, Step Mom, friend, not for myself, but for them.
I strive to be everything maybe the someone or something in their lives is not.
My personal vow is to protect them.
And in a different light, they very well protect me.
They keep me alive. They are the air that fills my lungs, they are my breath. Without them, I am positively sure my life would be non existent.
I know I've said this a million times, but sometimes when reality hits you square in the face and knocks the breath out you- I find it more noticeable on days like today that being a parent is hard, being a step parent is MUCH MUCH harder.
I can only do so much with what I am given, I can only speak so much before there is a line between myself and them that is drawn.
It's almost as if somedays I feel like I'm drowning in love and the other days.. I'm in a sea with waves of hate that are taking no break while crashing around me. I'm drowning. When somedays it feels as if I can't even save myself to save them.
And even if it takes my last breath being everything they need, I know this...
I will not stop being the person I needed when I was younger for them, even if it is appreciated or not. And I will love them, love them harder than even the day I did before.
In the long run, what a life I have lived if I can only devout myself to being everything a mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, niece or a stranger, that I am trying to be and succeed.
If I could only be...
Sincerely,
C
