For the last year and a half of my life I've dealt with pain, frustration, and the pains of being a woman, all due to having a surgery that potentially saved my life last January. So I've dealt with it, because it kept me alive to see another day with my loved ones. But that hasn't made it easier.
I think the scariest thing up to this point was having no choice in say to have a hysterectomy, even though it was my choice to speak with a medical professional about my underlying constant pain with the thought of a hysterectomy in mind. Will it be another surgery to save my life, allow me to watch my babies grow, and to grow old with my husband? Yes. Regardless of the confirming thoughts and medical facts, it didn't help.
The realization set in about a month ago that everything I've ever been partially good at is being taken away from me. Bearing children, being a mother, being a woman. That left me heartbroken. Although, Mike and I never planned on adding another child to our family, the thought was daunting. I was scared to talk about it. I was scared to let myself feel everything that was normal to be feeling.
Then one night, I broke.
I sat across from my husband and cried in the middle of a busy restaurant. As many of you know, I have a very loving husband. He is my rock, no doubt. But sometimes, he can tend to be a little less than comforting in awkward, my wife is having a melt down in the middle of a bbq joint and her snot is dripping on her ribs, moments. This lead to his absolute confusion. He knew, that I knew, we didn't plan on having more babies- I had apperantly lost my mind. Maybe I had for a brief moment.
Everything, every bit of fear, concern, and emptiness I had been feeling the last two weeks fell right out on the table that night.
While in doing so, I made my husband feel guilty. "Freeze your eggs.", he said. I would be lying if I said the thought hadn't occurred to me. But the reality of having another child is not for us. And while it was a generous offer, I had to decline. I felt guilty myself for making him feel as if I needed this to be okay.
The truth is, I can barely manage the children I have now without drinking. Let alone if we added a 6th child. Kidding about the drinking... Kinda.
The next stage I went through was fear. Fear of pain, recovering, and not being able to be everything I am everyday. Wife, mom, husbands business secretary, maid, chauffeur, cook, the list goes on...
I met with my amazing doctor who somehow even eased my anxiety. Who told me it is completely normal to go through these stages. Some women go through it before, some go through it after.. And still if I've had these feelings before, it is completely normal to feel them again afterwards.
G R E A T. I look forward to that. Someone pass the Xanax, please?
Today, 8 days and counting till surgery- through all the stages it has taken me to get here- I am ready. I am ready to live life without pain holding me back. I'm ready to live my life without fear of the C word staring me back in the face.
Today, I am ready to recover.
-C
