Ya'll, if last year never came to mind again that would just be the bees knees.
Let's all be honest and say that most of us would like to hold up a big giant middle finger to year twentysixteen.
For me, the last year was pretty awful, but also in the same sense, pretty great.
I beat cancer, twice. I beat it again I should say, circa 2015.
I am still alive today.
But its the stuff that came in between, before, and after those events that were pretty awful for me.
I felt like I was losing myself, my mind, and control of my life in general.
And I was.
I just didn't know how to get a hold of it. It seemed the tighter I held on, the more it fell apart, the more I fell apart.
Yes, I know...
GOD IS IN CONTROL!
I know he has to laugh at me- a lot- when I try to take control myself.....
At this point in my life, I have to laugh just to avoid crying.
Things got really bad about 2 months after my surgery in May.
I hit a depressed state and my anxiety was getting the best of me.
I thought I had control over it.
It seemed no matter how many times I got up, I'd get knocked right back down again.
Then when I decided I didn't want to live anymore, I got help.
Even with help, I'm still figuring out my "problems".
What is codependency?
Codependency is definitely not being dependent on others.
I was wrong too when answering that question.
Apparently, its being everything for everyone else and ignoring yourself.
Its fixing everyone around you when you are the one that needs the "fixing".
It's also a lot of other things too, but I suggest you read up on it.
I don't know where it came from, but I have an idea.
I believe it all started a really long time ago {round about- 4 years ago} when I lost control of my life.
Which explains my anxiety when things aren't going
"my way".
It didn't kick into overdrive until I found out about the latest cancer diagnosis.
That's when I felt like I had to feel in control.
Whether that be of myself, events taking place around me, or other people.
I used to joke and say, "I have a hard enough time controlling myself, I don't have the time or energy to control you or anyone else.".
That used to be a true statement.
I don't really like being this person, I don't even know where she came from.
But I am hell bent on making her go away.
I am hell bent on understanding her and helping her
.
Its the furthest thing from lucid and surpasses confusing.
When I say I'm just ready to be normal again, do not take that statement lightly.
I was also diagnosed with Clinical Depression.
It is real, it also REALLY sucks.
Especially when you have no reason to be sad or unhappy with life.
When you have too many blessings to count on all your fingers and toes and you still can't explain why you feel like you're just not happy or why you don't want to live anymore.
I have 7 reasons to live.
If the kids were reading my mind while I was typing this they'd correct me and say I have 9 reasons, including the cat and dog..
But I accidentally locked the cat out Friday night and he hasn't returned home...
So, were back to 8.
Diva is going to flip when I pick her up tomorrow.
Mommy lost the cat, Diva's feline best frand.
Mommy fail.
Mommy also cried her eyes out yesterday because even though she has her own love/hate relationship with the cat and its litterbox, she kinda loves how it brings her family happiness.
It seems as though in the process of needing help, I pushed the people willing to help me away. I haven't been a good friend this last year. I found myself pushing everyone away.
These things I have been dealing with have definitely taken a toll on all of my relationships, including my marriage.
Its not been an easy road, but it sure was easy to find it.
I'm sure I will have to continue to fight like hell just to get off of it and find a better road to travel on.
Resolutions for 2017?
Is not going to be about everyone else like it always has been for me.
Its going to be about finding MY way.
The next 365 days for me is going to be about healing.
Finding more hope than normal.
Ultimately, practicing that God has me no matter what circumstance takes place.
It's hard to keep your faith, but it's worth it.
I know that, no matter how hard it seems to do sometimes.
I have lived 29 years with him by my side, he never once left me.
It's also important to me that I share this with all of you.
Mental health is a very serious thing. It can be dangerous and scary.
I also know I am no the only one that struggles with just these things-codependency, depression, anxiety and more..
It should be made more aware, it should be talked about.
Awareness should not come along with feelings of embarrassment or shame.
There is so many people, like myself, who are terrified of the "alone" feeling and feel just that.
But you aren't. Sometimes its relieving just to know you aren't alone and someone out there understands you, gets what you are going through, and is there with you, not just for you, but for them too.
.
Always know that there is hope. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark the tunnel may seem and you will eventually make to the other end...
Don't give up this year, keep going.
Bright and merry 2017 wishes,
Chrystal Louise
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